Realistic Post Partum Support from Your Partner
What are realistic needs that you will need from your partner during early motherhood or post partum care?
Let’s face it, post partum support should be in the forefront of every conversation when planning to have a baby. There will be so many needs for your post partum support that you will know about before giving birth and some little annoying discoveries during the motherhood journey. Post partum support is extremely important to YOUR health. Yes, momma, to YOUR health. In my family, the post partum support system was very limited because I don’t live near anyone who could come help. I also have two little pesky dogs that like to bark so having any other adult here to help me besides my husband was an absolute no no. Although I had little post partum support, I was able to get through the trenches.
Post Partum Care
Recovery
Ladies, no matter how you delivered your baby you are going to need some support. I can only speak on experience from a vaginal birth currently (c-section will be for this current pregnancy). I have very low pain tolerance which means that I don’t really do well with pain and I personally take longer to recover – so keep this in mind when I talk about needing help during recovery.
A realistic way that your partner should help you is in basic ways like helping you pull your underwear up after using the bathroom. This was not something I had even thought about before giving birth. I used the adult diapers so I could throw them out once they got really messy. So let your partners know that this might be in their future and to prepare for help in the bathroom – it’s really not that bad though. After all, you just gave birth to a whole baby!!!
Your partner might need to lend a helping hand with you walking, sitting, and laying down. They might need to check your incision site (c-section) or vaginal area (if you tore). I don’t think my husband was prepared but I was NOT about to check myself because I get very queasy.
Mental Health & Emotions
A lot of women experience post partum depression or anxiety. As a new mom I was wondering what this would feel like if I had it. I have a history of anxiety and I did eventually start back up on my medication (around 2 months) because I was dealing with a lot of emotions that I felt were spiraling out of control. Please seek help from your provider if you are usually on medications – I wouldn’t wait until this gets unmanageable. Although a lot of women experience it, doesn’t mean that you have to or that you have to suffer.
It’s hard for our partners to understand what we are going through emotionally. Everything has changed for us. Both of us are adjusting to parenthood but only the one who gave birth is dealing with the outrageous ups and downs of the hormones. If you are breastfeeding, that can put a huge toll on your mental health from the pressure of feeling that you NEED to.
Partners, please try to think about everything we are going through. Recovering, while looking at our changed bodies, huge hormonal shifts constantly, sleep deprivation, and more are just scraping the surface of what we are going through. Giving birth is HARD. Recovery is HARD. Adjustments are HARD. Please be gentle in our most vulnerable time and encourage us. Let us know that we are doing a great job and be our rock. Partners are seriously so important in every single aspect of the mother’s health and the babies as well.
Sleep Deprivation
Both you and your partner might struggle with sleep when you have a newborn. Some relationships do really well with splitting up the work. Try doing the ‘day shift’ or you take a few hours at night and then it’s time for ‘shift change’. Personally, my husband would change her diaper and outfit if she needed a change. Then I would breastfeed (until we switched to pumping) while he slept on the couch. Once I was done feeding the baby, he would take her, burp her, hold her upright and put her back to bed. This routine worked okay for us because I wasn’t healing the way I wanted to and walking/sitting was really difficult so he was able to help me this way. The sleep deprivation still got to both of us but I am so thankful that he was up with me during the cluster breastfeeding phase.
Food & Nutrition in Post Partum Care
Partners: make sure that everyone is eating and getting enough protein. My supply started to increase once I ate real food and not pretzels. Go figure! If you’re able to ask for support from your partner to cook or have friends/family come in and cook, DO IT. I also tried the oatmeal craze to increase my supply (it didn’t work). I tried the lactation cookies (and it worked but still contains oats). The high calories was basically what was able to sustain me and my supply. Healing can really be accelerated with food and nutrition.
Early Motherhood
Pumping, Breastfeeding, or Formula
Partners can help new moms or even experienced moms with feeding. If the mom is breastfeeding then the partner can change diapers, make food, change clothes, burp the baby, and more! Breastfeeding can be very challenging and time consuming, so anyway a partner can help is a great way to balance everything.
Pumping is also time consuming because you’re adding the pumping time, the feeding through bottles, and then bottle cleaning. Tip: put the bottles in the dishwasher if the baby is healthy/doing well. Hand washing each of the parts is EXTREMELY time consuming – so maybe hand that off to your partner. Pumping should be done as frequently as breastfeeding. This is to build up your supply. So let your partner know that in the beginning it will be a lot of work.
Formula is the easiest option in my opinion. It’s the best way your partner can help. Making a bottle is one way. Another way is to feed the baby and to split up night shifts. Bottle washing is another.
Checking In as Post Partum Care
Communicate with your partner that they might need to frequently ask you how you’re doing and what you need help with. Communication is key. Check in on your mental health (for both of you). Switch up routines if you need a refresher.
Self-Image
There is a lot of push back now from social media about having to ‘bounce back’ after giving birth. We are setting higher standards now and letting men know that we should NOT have this pressure. The most important thing right now is taking care of our baby. Exercise is a great way to help improve our confidence, mental health, and general health but the pressure to be everything and do everything is too much for one person.
Career Choices
Another part of motherhood includes mom guilt and deciding what to do for work. Hopefully this was already discussed or thought about while you were pregnant. Just to give your job (if you had one) a heads up and put documentations in place. At first, I wanted to go back at around the 4-6 month mark, but I realized that mine and my husband’s preferred choice would be for me to raise our baby.
Summary of Points to Your Partner
- Be prepared to see blood and other things while we are healing
- Realize it might take longer to heal, so be patient with our mobility
- Make sure there is plenty of nutritious food available for mom, especially if pumping/breastfeeding
- Know that we appreciate everything you are doing for us, although with all our hormones and emotions we might not communicate that well to you
- We just went through something potentially traumatic – our bodies might not be the same, so don’t rush us to do any sort of activities
- Allow us to cry, don’t put pressure on us to bounce back, encourage our good work, and let us know we are good moms
- Although washing dishes and other housework might be seen as mainly the woman’s area, please contribute to bottle washing (the bottles are feeding OUR child)
- Moms can take up to 2 years to feel like themselves – they are not naggy, they are overwhelmed
- Be as equal of a parent as your time and job allow – resentment can happen simply because everything is new, overwhelming, and we might be doing almost everything ourselves
- Thank you for being our partner, our rock, and stability
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